It may seem to be a very
crucial question to many of us – when does it start? When does a boy or a girl
feel something unusual in his or her heart – an uneasy situation causing
distraction or lack of concentration to studies or day to day professional
lives? In this line, everybody may seem to be an expert in putting up his or
her comments and numerous examples, citations and experiences can be shared
with one another. For some, love is full of golden happy moments while for some
it’s only pains. One thing is clear, whatever be it is, falling in love is a
moment of life which can’t be forgotten. At a macro level, may be the basic
nature of love chemistry and its after courses find no significant differences
across geography – the micro chemistry behind falling in love largely depends
on the intricate surrounding factors which catalyze the process and Bengal is
not an exception to that. The followings are some
“Prem, seta abar ki? (Love.. What is that?)”: I still don’t
know why the elders always think that the little boys and girls in their family
are not intelligent and they will not be able to understand bigger or deeper
matters. Anyway, the little boys and girls are actually more inquisitive than
their superiors and that’s why they have a tendency to catch everything they
hear or they see – understanding the meaning or without understanding the
meaning, that’s a different issue and after this when they face any successive
events related to what they have caught they just try to equalize them say
2+2=4 and unknowingly acquire the related knowledge or skills. So, it happened in
the following way for me and might be for many of my friends –
Say like any other normal day,
after their lunch, my mother and my neighbor aunties were enjoying their
leisure with some interesting PNPC (Poro Ninda Poro Chorcha: Peeping into
other’s personal life) topics and might be I was sitting beside them playing
with my toy-train. They didn’t bother about my presence as I was too young to
make out of those materialistic issues. Now may be after sometime, one of my
neighbor aunties poked out – ‘Janoto Jayadi, ekta khobor pelam…. Bolona abar
kauke… Amader Raja naki pasher barir Ranir sathe prem korchhe (Let me tell you,
Jayadi… I have heard something… It’s very secret and please don’t disclose it
to anybody… Our next door boy Raja is having an affair (known as ‘Prem’) with
our next door girl Rani’. Now I didn’t know what an affair or love (‘Prem’)
was. But I instantaneously memorized that word and after this, whenever I used
to watch both (Raja and Rani) of them together cycling side by side or having
ice-creams, I used to apply my intelligence and used to gather experiences
about having an affair or love – may be at that time, my idea was like love
meant having ice-creams together or cycling side by side. So, I also began to
have an affair by offering a bite from my ice-cream or a share from my tiffin
box to the girl who used to sit beside me in our classroom.
“Sadgurur sandhan peye gechho bujhi…? (Hmm… It seems that you have
found out your mentor)”: What a
sarcastic quote! I will not forget that day, most probably I was in Std. VII, when
I heard this for the first time from our Bengali teacher Mukulbabu (Mr. Mukul
Mukherjee, our revered Bengali teacher in Rahara Ramakrishna Mission) after I
failed to answer one difficult Bengali Grammar question asked by him. According
to him, I was distracted from my regular studies as I was spending my time with
Sadguru or the mentor. Now let me clarify - who is a Sadguru and how does he help
in making you a complete dam smart cool guy? Sadguru is a person of the age
same as yours or may be elder than you who will teach and also guide you in following
things – How to smoke? How to bunk your classes? How to grab the monthly fees
to your tutors (as he’s trying to make cash in exchange of education which is
totally immoral or to save him from extra headache because more money means
more headache) and to use that money for some constructive works like watching
cinema and later buying gifts for girl friend?... and most important tips he
provide are related to how to impress the girl you like, which girl is the best
fit for you if you are confused with multiple choices, how to read the body
languages of the girl, how to derail the potential contenders and many more
valuable suggestions in this line.
Now Sadgurus are truly devoted
to the great service of building the next generation. The first help they provide
you is that you don’t need to find them, they will find you. Like in case of
our group, we found our Sadgurus in the following way. In our local club
playground, we used to play football in the evening and at a certain point of
time, myself and some of my friends discovered that some senior players started
bunking the football sessions or they began to stop playing in the midway of
the matches with some lame excuses. We became suspicious and finally we came to
know that they were indulged in building some affairs with the girls of their
choices – in the evening, they had started spending their time with their
girlfriends or in some cases, they had started trying to impress their loved
ones by roaming around their house compounds with cycles or waiting on the way
to their coaching or tutorial classes.
Again as mentioned before, it’s
a question of legacy. Our Sadgurus knew that they were shouldering one great
responsibility of coaching their juniors. So, even if we showed no interest,
after someday they would divulge where they were concentrating. Naturally,
after some days, they taught us how to impress the girls of our choices. Below
are some tips we received at that time:-
A> Smoking:
- Smoking in a unique style is a very basic manly characteristic. Though later
realized that all girls didn’t like their guys smoking, at that point of time
we found that habit to be very much fascinating and we started smoking
occasionally first and then gradually a regular activity. Anyway, whatever be
this habit good or bad, from psychological point of view, smoking might help
control our adrenaline factors, reduced our tensions particularly in
oscillating situations like say, the results has not yet been declared i.e. we
had proposed but as usual our dream partners at that point of time were taking
times to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or just dallying with our sentiments and emotions.
Even today, smoking helps me control my frustration over the long wait when my
better half prepares herself as we plan for going outside together or when I wait
for her at a scheduled place like the same way, I used to smoke and to wait for
her in a designated location and as usual she used to turn up late.
B> Deciphering
body language: - Sadgurus taught us how to decrypt the reactions and body
languages of the girls whom we desired for. ‘Does she prepare her hair
frequently while talking to you?’, ‘Does she give you side glance after bidding
you bye?’, ‘Does she wet her lips while talking to you?’ – Well, these are
positive signals that she likes you. There were many more we learnt from our
mentors at that time.
C> Inspiration
and motivation: - ‘Friend in need is a friend indeed’ – Our Sadgurus inspired
us and motivated in despair. I remember, after one unsuccessful attempt in my
college days, one of my friends also one of my Sadgurus, tried to recover me
from despair. He was with me on a free consultancy service by helping himself
the pegs of drinks at my expenditure. He was actually trying to make some rooms
for me so that I could release my frustration in a violent or might be
sometimes in an abusive manner using slangs for that foolish girl who didn’t
know what she was going to lose – a true love. I can still hear his
philosophical quote – ‘Don’t worry dear… She should be worried for this. Anyway, don’t bother; girls are like trains
and buses. One will go and the other will arrive shortly (No intentional
offence intended – this is just an example of boys’ lingo).” Then on the
continuation, my friend went on – “I have a very good option for you. Have you
watched Sriparna (just a fictitious Bengalee girl’s name) minutely? Aree… that
beautiful and sexy girl just few steps away from your home. Oh, my God… She’s
gorgeous. You can have a try on her. She’ll be a perfect match for you.” “If
you want, I can also help you. You know, my gf (short form of girlfriend) is
her friend.” – He tried to extend his helping hand.
D> Derailing
the probable or existing stakeholders: - It’s true that everything is fair in
love and war. So, to save your affair or to start that even in cases where your
dream fiancée is already engaged or betrothed with some other guy, you should
not confine yourself with some bullshit moral or ethical dilemma. Our Sadgurus
trained us to think in this way. They could become very good strategists I
realize now, if they diverted and channelized their techniques and thoughts in
a proper way. In our time, derailing the possible or existing contenders
included steps like –
1> 24
hours surveillance on them
2> Constant
efforts to humiliate the guy in front of the girl to showcase his weaknesses
and inabilities
3> Continuous
Goebel’s propaganda against that poor guy – in some cases, efforts to divert
him with a decoy.
4> Mild
threats if not considered seriously by that ill-fated chap, then finally
manhandling
5> Most
importantly, the strategies of projecting oneself as a real time hero before
the girl
Frankly
speaking, I also participated very actively in implementing the strategies to
help some of my friends and even in some mild manhandling activities. It was my
good luck that those incidents were not reported to my parents. Actually, the
sentiments and emotions at that time we used to carry and even we harbor till
date, it hardly mattered if those were reported – forsake of friends, scolding
or a few hard thrashing from parents seemed to be very trifling issues.
“Kobutorgiri (In the role of pigeons)”:
- For me, the coaching classes of romance started with a difficult job.
The job was of a messenger. In earlier days, we have heard that trained pigeons
were used to send letters to one’s lover. Now in the middle of nineties, we had
not extensive access to computers and also we could not afford trained pigeons.
So, one of my seniors asked me to deliver his first love letter rather I should
say proposal letter to his princess. I don’t know how - though I was scared a
little bit because I knew the consequence very well if I would be caught
red-handed, I successfully delivered that letter. The incident boosted my
confidence up and after that in later days, I successfully placed a number of
my friends’ proposal to their partners as well as mediated in case of serious
strife among the pairs. For us, the incident was important in the sense –
anybody who understands the Bengali society particularly in the suburbs, knows
very well the plight of the boys like us who have studied in only boys’ school
and hence their extreme shyness while talking to girls. So, these incidents
helped us definitely becoming so called smart and experts in dealing cases
particularly in our college days later. Anyway, being impartial, I should say
whether the boy studies in only boys’ school or in co-ed school, it’s true for
all – placing proposals for others are much easier than proposing for self.
Boss, imagine the dwindling situation when you proposed - your throat was totally
dried up, you were hastily searching your balls and you totally forgot the
words of your dialogue which you had extensively practiced before the mirror
and also before your close friends.
“Tumi Chhara Sunyo Lage (Without you,
the world is meaningless)”: - ‘Letter writing is a lost art’ – I read
this in one of Std XII English pieces where the author had expressed his sheer
disappointment over the inventions of telephones and other quick communication
equipments as it had caused the stylish art of letter writing to die. Our
generation has also similar experience – in nineties, we had sufficient papers
and ball pens but very little access to emails or cell-phones; on the other
hand on the advent of the new century, particularly after 2001 or 2002, we
gained massive access to internets and cell-phones which caused the short
romantic SMS and email messages outplaying the old fashioned love letter
writing. So, now-a-days the young guys I say, they are not as lucky as we were,
they can’t feel the flavor of writing love letters but we had got chances to
taste that in nineties as well as in this new century we have used the updated
technologies also to express our feelings or emotions. However, I remember the
days of late nineties when among us, there was some extra reverence rather I
should say added values for some of my friends owing to their niche skills or
literary commands over love letter writing. “Ami jokhon theke tomake
dekhechhi, tomar kalo horin chohk dutote nijeke hariye phelechhi… Tomake dekhar
por theke amar du-chokhe ghum nei… Ogo, amar preyoshi tumi chhara sunyo lage…
Please, amake tomar ridoye sthan dao… (Till I had seen you, I have lost myself
into your black deer eyes… I have been suffering from insomnia after I saw you
as I have been always thinking about you… Oh my dearest lady, without you the
world is meaningless… Please coronate me in your heart…)” – This is
just a very simple and straightforward example. We conducted researches on
writing love letters. Poetic quotes and in case of crisis usage of popular but
relevant filmy song lyrics, innovative heart shapes etc. were just basic
features. ‘Forsake of you, I can do anything – I can even let the sun rise at
right’ – this was our stand for love, if not then at least the stance in broad
daylight.
About writing
love letter, I remember one incident and it was related to sacrifice, one of
the basic pillars for building relationship – one of my friends was sacrificing
something for his lover; let’s see what
he was sacrificing. In this context, I want to mention that during that
time proof reading (even after this, spelling mistakes were very common
phenomenon) and expert comments on the subject matter of the letter seemed to
be very important and in this line, friends were always ready to extend their
help. Now when my dear friend came to me with the script he had prepared for
his next door princess, I delightedly started reading that with a view to give
some comments. The letter read – “Dear Malavika (a fictitious name), I know
that you don’t like me and have already turned down my proposals twice. I know
that you have been angry with me as I ruthlessly beat your favorite pet cat
after it had stolen fishes from our kitchen. See, what could I do? I was very
frustrated as you had ignored my offer and might be that’s the reason I beat
the cat brutally. Please, forget about this incident. I will not repeat the
same. I have already befriended your cat. Yesterday, I fed it milk and fish.
Also, would like to mention that going against my normal tendency or habit, I
have given up my dislikes for cats and also decided not to pelt stones at them or
to beat them with sticks. My friends have already started making fun of me. I
don’t care and I can do anything for you – even larger sacrifices. Hope you will
understand my true love for you and will reconsider my application…..”
“Dekhle hobe!... Kharcha achhe… (There
is no meaning to be envious… It’s expensive, boss!): -
“Boss…
Maintaining an affair is not an easy task. The purse factor matters.” – We realized
this long ago. Let me explain this – particularly from the teenage point of
views. To impress a girl, you have to reply to your contenders in the fashion
of an eye for an eye, an ace for an ace. If your competitor has got a new
motorbike, there is a chance that you will be outplayed as you can’t compete
with him with your old bicycle. It may sound ridiculous, but it happened with
us during our teenage time. So, what to do? My friend started convincing his
parents for a new motorbike and petulantly nagging after that. Purchasing the
best greetings cards for her, trying to explore good restaurants with her –
nothing but ultimately money mattered.
Heaved a deep
sigh when we used to hear that in our grandfathers’ times (say in fifties or
sixties), maintaining an affair had not been that much costly. A handful of
groundnuts would do. But in our times, there has been a grant leap forward from
that level. With times, maintaining an affair has become expensive. Groundnuts
have been replaced by delicious egg-rolls, fish-kabiraazi, mutton-kabiraazi, mouth
watering ice-creams and lavish lunches or dinners in posh restaurants. Later in
IIT, I have seen the weekends coming as big blows. Whatever be the beauty
factor (no intended offence but from the
male chauvinists’ desk the judgment about the girls stands to be a very simple
arithmetic: Beauty * merit = Constant
and in IIT the constant used to hold a significantly very low positive value :D), 90% of the girls used to have lunches
or dinners at their appraisers’ hospitality.
Falling in
love is a great happening in life – no scope to deny this fact. Many of our
friends suddenly changed due to this happening in their lives. They became so
generous – earlier even getting a cigarette from them had been so difficult. I
remember one incident – one of my friends was so parsimonious earlier, but
after he had fallen in love, he was totally a changed person. His heart
suddenly became larger. The opposite thing also happened. One of my friends
became so close-fisted like he swore that he would spend for none but his girl
friend. Well, now I realize we shouldn’t
have blamed him. For most of us, the money did not come to us so smoothly.
There were some rich brats – but for most of us, we belonged to middle class
families. So, what happened? We started saving money from our daily meager
allowances like travelling by crowded buses instead of boarding relatively
comfortable Kolkata Metros, cheating our tutors of their monthly salaries,
quoting the prices of our study essentials say the books higher than the
original while taking money from our parents etc. Even after this, our ability
was limited. But frankly speaking, during my IIT days the bites of roasted
maize corns I shared with my then girl friend (now my better half) make me nostalgic.
Saraswati Puja (The Valentine’s Day of
Bengal): - In Bengali calendar, there are many festivals and it is said
that they observe thirteen festivals in twelve months. Now all of them create
more or less opportunities to build bridges between hearts by making the people
mingle with one another. But undoubtedly, among these festivals, Saraswati Puja
is the most significant eve of expressing your emotions or feelings.
To us, that
used to be the day when the school gates of the girls’ schools remained opened
with no restricted entries, the girls clad in yellow saris were very generous
to us. They used not to mind on our proposals even if they thought them
impossible or indecent. For the luckiest chaps, on that day they used to give
ride to their princesses on their bicycles or motorbikes before the jealous
eyes.
In our times,
it happened this way for many guys. During Durga Puja in October or November,
he fell in love at first sight by watching the girl clad in a beautiful sari
offering prayers to the goddess; the girl might watched him an realized that he
liked her but remained indifferent even she liked him as well (from time
immemorial, the known hypocrisy or stance adopted by them). Anyway then after
this, in coming months, the guy tried to familiarize with her and left no stone
unturned to demonstrate his true feelings for her. By the time, the winter
season went away and on the advent of spring, on the auspicious day of
Saraswati Puja, in a comparatively less conservative or restricted environment
to open his mind before her – he finally proposed her.
Techy Love: - Already mentioned
before, our generation has been lucky enough to enjoy the old flavors as well
as the new tech-savvy version of the same. My first interaction with the
computers occurred in 2001-02. Gradually we sharpened our skills in using the
various applications installed in computers. Cyber cafes already started to
bloom since late nineties and in course of time emails, Yahoo messengers, Rediff
chat rooms became the new way of establishing connections with people. Along
with this, the excessive and cheap access to mobile phone technologies changed
the definition of romantic communications. Short SMS, quicker replies, easily
available 24X7 interactions now have changed our lives. So, the moments of the
earlier period, when a boy or girl was not able to close eyes at night due to
excitement, thinking about his or her closest – thinking about the next
eventful day when he or she would meet him or her suddenly vanished away. You
can call it as the loss of the charm. But what I feel, it started a new era.
It all
started through YM! I remember one of my seniors who found his lady of life
through Yahoo Messenger. That was really an unforgettable experience for him.
He never had seen her earlier, just one day while he was logged in; he found
her id and started some basic hi-hello interaction. Day by day, they found
similarities in them, found conflicts in their views or thought processes –
finally they came so close to each other that they realized the other
inevitable for his or her life. By the way, they first saw their photographs
after a long period of two years and by that time, whether she was beautiful or
not, whether he was handsome or not so smart – those things hardly mattered.
Many of us
spent a lot of our leisure time in YM or Rediff chat to find girls. There were
some hilarious moments also related to this. I remember one of my friends
fallen in love with my fake Yahoo Id projecting a girl. I did not play with his
emotions for a long time but there were some guys within our group who were not
so kind like me. Just try to imagine, whom you have talked for six months and
have started liking, whom you are planning to meet and before whom you want
open yourself – just on a sudden day, that lady of your dream turns out to be a
guy who is nobody but one of your bosom friends. What will be your reaction?
Well, you can kick your friend on his ass and frankly speaking, he’ll not mind
that. The main thing is that you are in a KLPD (apologize for not mentioning
the full form) situation. I feel this happens these days as well. So, my dear
younger brothers and sisters…. Please be careful about G-Talk or FaceBook
intimacies.
Some unforgettable moments and terms of
romanticism: -
1. Chhad Prem (Terrace Love): This is not
so rare in Bengal. Some of my friends are now son-in-laws of their next door
uncles and aunts. The credit goes to terrace love where the affair started say,
when my friend was flying his kite and his future would-be was roaming in their
terrace garden just beside my friend’s (intentionally or unintentionally –
shrouded in mystery) or hanging the washed clothes in the sun or at the height
of romantic fantasy, she was drying her waist long moist black fell of hair by
sitting in the sun and my friend’s kite was already cut by another kite as his
total concentration was on her sitting in the sun – “Tumpa-ke eto bhalo dekhte
konodin bhebe dekhini toh …. (Hey man! I have not ever realized that she’s so
beautiful…)” and for Tumpa, she’s thinking with sliding glimpses – “Ronyda
kemon behayar moto amake dekhchhe… Ronyda-r ki amake bhalo lage? Nah… boddo
beshi taratari bhebe phelchhi… (Look… How Rony is staring at me like a
shameless guy!... Does he like me?... No way… I have to check my rapid imaginations…)”.
Like many other cases, thus it started with infatuations but finally it had got
its own meaning.
2. Baar Khaoano Prem (Injected Love): For
one of my bosom friends, this happened this way. We used to incite him by
saying that she loved him – ‘you can’t neglect her true love’, ‘you are not
realizing what you are going to miss’, ‘what’s your problem dude?’ etc. And at
the same time, her friends used to do the same thing – i.e. making fun or
cutting jokes about their unexpressed feelings. Now the question was if any
feeling was there at all. But anyhow finally it happened. Owing to our
injections, they were finally attracted to each other and their affair rolled
on.
3. “Ne chocolate kha… (Help yourselves with
the chocolates)”: - It was a rainy night in some August days. I went to
my friend’s room in IIT hostel. One of our common friends also joined me. When
we entered his room, he was sitting on his chair and playing some bullshit
flash games in his desktop. We were little bit surprised because we could
hardly remember when we saw him last playing games because most of the time, he
used to be chatting with his new girl friend (not exactly girl friend, actually
potential girl friend) whom he had met few months ago in a Rediff chat room.
After entering his room, there were some moments of silence and then he offered
us some good chocolates. We were surprised again with this not seen before
hospitality. Though we did not wait to help ourselves with chocolates, we felt
something unusual and asked him ‘What happened?’ He heaved a deep sigh and
explained – “Well, today I went to meet Srilekha (his potential girl friend’s
name – fictitious) with this box of chocolate. The place scheduled was Salt
Lake City Center. I reached there at 1:00 PM and was waiting for her. Then I
got a call from her that she was standing near the INOX ticket counter and to
identify her, she told me that she was
in white top and blue jeans. I approached towards the INOX ticket counter
and to my surprise in blue jeans and
white shirt I saw there… Whatever be it is, help you with the chocolates.” We felt sad for our friend but obeyed
his request to finish the chocolates. Then
we asked him what happened then. He remained silent. Suddenly another friend of
us peeped into the room and seeing him my poor friend burst into anger and
threw one slipper towards him – “Dekhe nebo, amar sathe yarki! Er badla ami na
niyechhi to amar nam….. (I will not let it go… A practical joke with me! If I
don’t take the revenge, then change my name to…..)”. Nothing remained unclear
to us and we came out of our friend’s room realizing that he should have been
kept alone for some time. Outside the hostel lobby, that very friend of us who
had peeped into the room and had received that grand welcome joined us. I mildly
chided the guy clad in white shirt and
blue jeans but all three of us burst into laughter.
4. “Just blade-ta ber korbi ar or samne
nijer bam hate poch marte thakbi… Tobe dekhis jeno sira na kete jai… (Just
bring out the blade from your pocket in front of her and start piercing it in
your left wrist… But be careful, it should not teeth into your vein): -
Well, this was the tip advised by me to my friend Anit (name changed) as his
love guru. Man can’t imagine anything which is not possible – so, if in movies,
the hero can resort to ultimate acting of killing himself by consuming poisons
or aiming his revolver to his head to impress the heroine or just to compel her
to say ‘Yes’; then why is not that possible in real life? I decided to
experiment this in case of Anit who was in deep love with a girl from his
college’s statistics department. Anit had already opened up himself before that
girl multiple times but they bore no fruit – the girl named Bidisha (name
changed) had the same stance that they could be just friends, nothing more than
that. Now, to me still the question is very witty one – can a boy and a girl
just remain friends? I suggested him the effective way mentioned above just to
encounter the ultimate climax – I was confident enough that Bidisha would definitely
open up and give in to Anit’s feelings. Anit followed my advice religiously but
ultimately we failed. He cut his wrist with the blade and Bidisha also tried to
resist him and while doing this, she had also suffered minor cuts - my tip
proved to be an outdated one.
Today when I
look back at those days or I retrospect into those actions of us, I can justify
some actions while some of our deeds seem to be utterly foolish or ridiculous.
But one thing I can say, those were the golden days of life. Being with the
friends, devising strategies to help one another, providing one another mental
supports in case of despair, deep discussions with cigarettes and sometimes
boozing – good old days they are. So many funny, gloomy, sweet, tragic moments
were there. My dearest friend totally in an intoxicated condition tearing the
petals of the rose and murmuring ‘She loves me, she loves me not’ and we were
getting scared what of the last petal would say ‘No’; dinner treats after the
couples betrothed and declared them as engaged – these moments still fill my
heart. While I see one of my friends still not being able to forget his failure
to achieve his piece of love, my heart becomes heavier – what a nice guy, a
true lover - Who will believe me that he went to Tirupati to shave his head
just his dream girl gave him a smile? Now why did the girl smile and whether
she actually smiled seeing him; nobody knows – but it was his good feeling and
a ray of hope to him that he went to Tirupati in search of some blessings.
Time comes
and time passes away and we always try to seek for big moments of joy and while
doing that we lose numerous small moments of life. If time would permit me to
rewind itself, I would go to that rainy evening – when after a heavy downpour,
we were sitting on the railway track beside the IIT campus, lighted cigarettes
were in our finger grips and we were loudly singing the song in chorus –
“Bhalobasa mane dhoan chharar protisruti… Bhalobasa mane elo chul matoara…
(Love means to quit smoking… Love means your unset hairs are waving…)”
